THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART...

Did you complete the above title phrase with "food"? (i.e. - "The way to a man's heart is food"). If you did, you are in great company. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that statement while growing up, I will probably be richer than I presently am 😄. Together with it's elder relative "is this how you are going to behave in your husband's house?"; which often came after you have burnt food or cooked up something inedible; it was and still continues to be a tool in the hands of seasoned matriarchs to compel the indulgence of young girls to take up domestic roles within the home. To further buttress the point, we were often told the story of a young girl, let's call her Bola, who ended up getting married without learning how to cook. Let me tell you the story of Bola.

Bola got married without knowing how to cook. During their courtship, she had gotten away with either buying the food ahead of when her now husband (let's call him Chidi) will visit or making other arrangements to make sure that there was food. So it never crossed Chidi's mind that food was going to be an issue. Fast forward to their marriage, it didn't take too long for Chidi to discover that his beloved was not gifted in the kitchen department. Not wanting to make it an issue, Chidi would often visit his mum and eat at her house before returning home each day. As time went by, Chidi's mum realized that something was off; otherwise, why would a newly married husband prefer to spend time with her instead of his wife? When Chidi's mum discovered that Bola couldn't cook, she made a life changing decision. Each weekend, she would show up at Chidi's home to spend some time with Bola. During that time, they would cook together and prepare family meals that would last the entire week. Her plans were effective; Chidi began to visit her less. By the time Bola realized her mother in law knew her secret, she could already prepare a lot of meals effortlessly. Realizing what Chidi's mum had done, the couple visited her and showered appreciation, thanking her for intervening in their marriage without making a fuss out of it. And they lived happily ever after....

I always loved listening to this version (there are many versions by the way) of the story of Bola - I love happy endings and in this story, their marriage had a happy ending. What I eventually realized is that the main lesson in Bola's story is not that she learnt how to cook. The story instead underscored the importance of having the right mindset and principles to approach marriage; which some of the rhetoric often omit. For instance, the people in this scenario had the right approach to conflict resolution that involved not passing blame, a willingness to learn and serve in humility (i.e. Bola's willingness to learn from her mother-in-law) and speaking the truth and correcting with love (Chidi's mum) among many others. If I could sum up their approach, I would say they had the mind of Christ - which is that of a servant, wanting to serve in love and humility.

In a previous post, I had talked about my hesitancy towards marriage, fueled by the myriad of horror tales I had been listening to. At that point in my life, I could cook up a storm and remember catering for a friend's birthday party. However, without a change of mindset, disaster was inevitable, no matter how much I knew how to cook. In fact, by the time I met my husband, he was not remotely interested in food, and prior to that, I had observed relationships around me where the man was a better cook and did most of the cooking.

While cooking is definitely important (please learn - abeg oh 😃), it will definitely not save a marriage that is built on a wrong foundation/mindset.

And oh, it is definitely not the way to a man's heart - or is it?